Birthdays are...

I spent December 28 turning 28 ... sober, babysitting, and in my pink, polar bear pajamas (alliteration, not intended). Considering how I spent mine last year in Paris with my boyfriend eating my traditional chocolate cake and listening to the Rubber Soul soundtrack, I could have depressed. Like, REALLY.

But I liked it. To me, that's the sign of my own personal progress. Yes, I admit, there were twinges of feeling a bit left out. But I realized that I had the time of my life for 2010. Each day was a gift to myself. I learned a powerful lesson from my time in Europe and that is to take the risk.

Looking back at my family, I realized that I was born out of a risk. My family with a sick 2-year old got on a boat and set out for the Pacific. They weren't even going to take my sister because she was so sick, but my aunt told them "If you're going to die, then die together." My god. And that was the world I was born into.

As harrowing that experience was for my parents, who are now so fucked up with paranoia and general phobia, I try to take the opposite approach and be optimistic. I realize that, whether the outcome is good or bad, life is one huge risk. I looked back at my journals in 2008, when Jonathan had died, and none of what I had planned came true. Except one. Applying for work in Paris. Out of that one simple line in my notebook, out grew this amazing year for me where I feel stronger and smarter and more confident about who I am and what I want.

So what if my bday came and went without me stumbling into bushes and dark nightclubs. I realized that girl partied because she had nothing else going for her, or so she thought. I used to not put my bday on FB bc I thought no one would care. How wrong and gratifying it was when I saw all the well wishes. I see now more than ever that fear is what holds us back from taking risks, but without risks, we can never become the person we are meant to be. If I had to spend all day in my pajamas, just to get this "a-ha" moment, then I'm feeling pretty lucky right now. It's all about putting things into perspective.