Somewhere I do know

It's been awhile since I've written anything on this blog. Somewhat personal, other times observational, my blog is now somewhere between my life confessions and art visions. I go with what moves me. And lately, I've been in review while I look ahead.

It's been almost 9 months since I've been back in the US and every day is a curiosity for me. I wake up and I feel like a doll who is fascinated by the swing of her own limbs and the cause of her inner mechanics. A new type of consciousness. Coming back from Paris this time feels so different than coming back from England. I feel like this time I came back with a purpose, whereas before I was lost. My only center had drifted away from me and I was left wondering or perhaps in denial.

Whenever I think of my past, I'm left befuddled. I try to sift through the memories but I grasp through it like sand and come up empty-handed. For years, I've felt lost in a forest. But I've been looking now with a very old map and did not realize that the scenery has changed. There are roads and bridges that can make my travels easier and more clear to guide through. The pain that I've held on to, that I've tried to deny for so long, I realize now I must face. True strength comes from letting in my emotions and extending myself out when I'm hurt, not to shut down my feelings and pretend I don't exist. I realize now how I've changed, and have become more compassionate or at least try to be. In doing so, I feel like I can now approach my past. It's just hard trying to understand my past now bc I have tried to forget it so well. Now that the edges have softened with time, I'm not sure what was real or not. The only way I can verify anything for sure is to dig up my ghosts and see them in daylight.

But I know in reality I'm not ready to be digging up ghosts. So I look ahead instead. I just have to focus on my future as a I glance behind me now and then. Somewhere I do know, but things take time. I can't rush what was meant to be.