A Year in Review

December has come and gone like a blink of an eye as I suspected it would.  It's January and a lot has happened.  I've finally had some time to get my portfolio back and upload the last leg of my work.  I think there has been improvement from the beginning of my work in subtle ways that perhaps only a fine artist could see.  The accuracy in anatomy, the tone in skin, the variety of my strokes are all the ways that I have seen improve and have grown to be more aware of.  At this point, I need to focus on hands and faces as those are still my most weak areas.  I also want to try to be more facile with my technique so that I can draw faster.  However, I'm pretty happy with what I've gotten from my drawing class.

At the moment, I find it a bit hard to concentrate on drawing.  Moving into the hostel has been a blessing and curse.  I'm surrounded by excitement but also distractions.  I have my own space but no privacy.  Of course, I cannot deny the beautiful predicament I'm in as I walk out onto the beach that is literally my backyard everyday.  My hope is to hold on to my situation here for about a year and then to move probably to Germany.  It all depends on a number of factors: William, finding a school, getting a visa, etc.  Overall, I would say my options are limitless and I must think carefully about what I really want out of life.  As much as I want to contemplate what my life will be like, I realize that my only real option is to enjoy the moment I have right now and try to find curtains for my new abode.

Conté the days...

Only 6 more figure drawing classes left in this semester and I feel a sense of mixed emotions.  I feel sad to think that the time for my most intense drawing period and most tranquil of hobbies is coming to an end.  I know that it won't be the end of me drawing, but I do know that I probably won't focus so much of my attention on drawing as I'm doing right now.  I'm really happy with my progress in the class and especially in my most recent ability to handle conté.  With just one month of school left, I feel as if I barely scratched the surface with drawing as well as discovering all the students' personalities within my drawing class.  It also doesn't help that the holidays are around the corner, as well as my bday, and a whole new year.  An end to certain things and a beginning to many others; I am saddened to leave my wonderful most year behind but also anxious to start a new chapter in my life.

Shading Shadows

This has been a weird month, yet again.  Though my life seems to be at a standstill right now with no real progress in job satisfaction or homelife or lovelife for that matter, there are surges of creativity and emotions that are rocking me overboard.  My life with my sister has reached a point of equilibrium but only tenuously accomplished through a tight-rope walking act that I find myself tired of and left drained.  Though I know we appreciate what we do for each other, I can't help but feel as if I'm being pushed out like toothpaste.  Only when she is gone for work do I feel a sense of focus return to me and my level of productivity skyrockets.  Even though there is a possibility we may live together in the future, and it will be invaluable time to spend with my sister that I love so, I secretly pray for a way out to breath.  To be alone.
And that's when I run to my drawing.  How much joy I get from drawing, I don't think anyone will know.  A sense of calm comes over me and I feel peace.  The hours pass by like minutes and I rarely remember feeling as if class is dragging.  If anything, I pout that there was not enough time and will spend an extra hour or so cleaning up what I've drawn.
Last month, I spend quite a bit of time working on my gestures which have improved greatly.  Now I'm working on value and shading which is quite difficult to do.  Though these are the best shading examples I have so far, I am pretty sure I can do better.  Already I see my figures and how they can be more life-life.  How I want them to be life-like.  In some ways, I've only just grasped the mechanics of general shading on the big muscles and now I must focus on the small subtle shades.  I hope to produce more sophisticated work in the next few weeks.

Rebecca

Fall is upon the trees here in Long Beach.  I am in the second month of my figure drawing class and I love every moment of it.  After a tumultuous few months of emotional entanglements, job-juggling, and a few physical injuries, I am starting to feel better in the flow in my life.  And lo, I have hit a breakthrough with my drawings.  Stilted figures, mismatched proportions and hazy scratches that were eeked out in 1-2 minute gestures are now more fluid, more comprehensive.  I'm a much faster drawer now than I was a year ago.

We had a wonderful model.  Each week, it's always someone different.  Her name is Rebecca.  The first time she posed, I froze.  Normally, I don't really look at the model.  But her clear blue eyes just went right through me.  I've never had anyone stare at me so intently, and so nakedly before.  I tried to keep composure, but noticed a few differences in her body.  She was very muscular for a woman, which was great.  Except her lower torso was extremely long, too long.  Her neck, too wide.  Her face and jaw, too square.  Rebecca use to be a man.   Within 10 seconds, I understood it all.  I felt very lucky to draw such a unique person and fell right into work.

In the next few weeks, I hope to draw even faster to include the head.  I hope to also show more tonal drawings.  At this point, I am improving but not at a level where I can accept yet.  I must look at the shapes more critically with dimensions.  Breast is not oval but sphere so I can hit the shadow just right, etc.  I am very happy with my progress and hopeful for more improvement as winter comes.

Beginning Drawing

A brief hiatus from blogging.  And as proof to what I spent all summer doing, here are some drawings that I am most proud of in my beginning drawing class.  Albeit they are not the best drawings ever, but I am happy in my progress.  I feel more at ease with drawing than before and have gained more confidence in my skills.

Somewhere I do know

It's been awhile since I've written anything on this blog. Somewhat personal, other times observational, my blog is now somewhere between my life confessions and art visions. I go with what moves me. And lately, I've been in review while I look ahead.

It's been almost 9 months since I've been back in the US and every day is a curiosity for me. I wake up and I feel like a doll who is fascinated by the swing of her own limbs and the cause of her inner mechanics. A new type of consciousness. Coming back from Paris this time feels so different than coming back from England. I feel like this time I came back with a purpose, whereas before I was lost. My only center had drifted away from me and I was left wondering or perhaps in denial.

Whenever I think of my past, I'm left befuddled. I try to sift through the memories but I grasp through it like sand and come up empty-handed. For years, I've felt lost in a forest. But I've been looking now with a very old map and did not realize that the scenery has changed. There are roads and bridges that can make my travels easier and more clear to guide through. The pain that I've held on to, that I've tried to deny for so long, I realize now I must face. True strength comes from letting in my emotions and extending myself out when I'm hurt, not to shut down my feelings and pretend I don't exist. I realize now how I've changed, and have become more compassionate or at least try to be. In doing so, I feel like I can now approach my past. It's just hard trying to understand my past now bc I have tried to forget it so well. Now that the edges have softened with time, I'm not sure what was real or not. The only way I can verify anything for sure is to dig up my ghosts and see them in daylight.

But I know in reality I'm not ready to be digging up ghosts. So I look ahead instead. I just have to focus on my future as a I glance behind me now and then. Somewhere I do know, but things take time. I can't rush what was meant to be.

Butterfly Ball Effect

School is now over and I feel restless. My hands are idle now that I have finished up art class and I miss the exhaustion. I miss my mates. I miss making stuff. But I have enjoyed the downtime so I can take photos of my final projects.

This project was extremely interesting to do. I took modular origami (a butterfly ball) and made the squares from photos of objects, sorta like a mash-up. I had so many ideas of what objects to make that it was a bit overwhelming. Some objects that I thought would be successful came out a bit lackluster (the stairs and silver machine, and stop sign). Some others that were just spontaneous thoughts were to be my best (the word parking, car, fire hydrant).

The most interesting thing about the project itself was also unexpected. I found myself more connected to the process of making those objects rather than the end product themselves. It was all so intimate. I took the photos, decided which parts I would extract into squares, and also how to place them so as to create spatial order/dynamic through their placement against one another.

I had to make myself objective in order to see these 3D objects as 2D surface planes and yet pay attention to their 3D life as well-crafted objects. The creation of each ball was at least 3 hours long. It took awhile because I had to make sure each object was correctly balanced. A bit like flower-arranging, I had to make there was good negative space, enough distribution of color, good connective lines. So much thought into each placement, I thought I was going to blow my mind off.

After each object was made. I also found myself asking about presentation. How would I show these products to my fellow art students. I thought it would be cool to make a huge see through butterfly ball and then smash it like a pinata so all the other balls would come out. I went with that idea but it was probably not the best idea. The execution of it was clumsy as I was running out of time. I the transparent paper was very hard to manipulate and was essentially see through so that you really couldn't get to see the form of it. It just looked awkward to me.

I wish I could have done something different like posted these balls throughout the school campus and see what people thought. Or choose one of the objects and make a bigger object out of it (like the fire hydrant). I would push it even more and take of photo of the hydrant in a real world situation like with a dog sniffing it. Or I could have just simply taken the photos and presented that to the class. I felt so strange to work from 2D to 3D back to 2D again. My work felt so strange to me as photos, so flat when they were round, and yet so clear when they originally muddled. Now I can't help looking at 2D objects as 3D and 3D objects in 2D.